HARRY’S

This is the foyer- your sanctuary. You must keep it clean at all times. If you are not cashing out a customer or doing other duties that pertain to this job, you must be cleaning. This is your register. It is old, so do not bang on it… it will open when it feels like it. If it takes too long, come find me and I will jimmy it open with a steak knife. If you bang on it and I catch you or find out about it some other way, you will be obligated to replace it with a new one; I will take it out of your paycheck. If you want all of your paycheck, do not ruin things that are not yours. Do not make me repeat this again, because I will if I have to.

This is the phone. It is the company phone, so do not make personal calls and tie it up. If you have time to talk on the phone, then you have time to clean; cleaning is a main priority, not talking on the phone. You must not touch this phone unless it rings, in which case you answer, “Hello, this is Harry’s. How can I help you?” The person on the other end will tell you who they are looking for and you will fetch that person. Nobody is allowed to call for you. If it is an emergency for you, they may call me and I will deliver the message to you.

Over here is what used to be the smoking section. We are smoke-free now, so do not let anyone light a cigarette, cigar or marijuana in here. The cushions on all the booths come out easily, make sure that you vacuum inside it. Sometimes we find Margie hiding in one, smoking who knows what while she is on the clock. If you cannot find her for something, come find me and I will call her emergency therapist. Usually she is having a break down… her husband just came out of the closet. She brings in food a lot. Cookies, brownies, whatever it may be, don’t eat it. If you do, make sure you get checked out by a doctor after work. She has threatened to kill us all in one of her break downs so either don’t eat it or don’t piss her off. Generally though, Margie is sweet.

There are designated coffee pots for each section. Each coffee pot is marked Caf or DCaf. They are also color coded for easy association. Do not put Caf in the DCaf pot for a joke. It is not funny. We had to call the police to get Jeremy out of here after Quinn Hilker pulled that joke. Poor Jeremy got a year in the state penitentiary for trying to run down his wife in the parking lot out front after a sip of that coffee. That is why we fired her. I have a form for you to sign regarding the coffee pots.

The main dining room is split into two sections for the wait staff. On the right is where Cora Heart serves. She calls in a lot. Her husband deals cars upstate, and the FBI is on to him for the heroin and meth that he is receiving inside the cars and dealing out of their home. Cora doesn’t do much here, if she asks you to do something for her, do it. I hear she keeps a pocket knife in her apron and a gun strapped to her ankle. I haven’t seen her use it yet, but that is so from what I have seen, so you might want to ask around. Don’t let her catch you asking though; otherwise you might lose a limb.

On the left is Harold’s section. Harold is the one that holds us altogether. He lives here pretty much. All the girls are flirty with him. He is the Tom Cruise of this place. I got a piece of toilet paper he used and sold it to that Quinn girl who you are replacing for five dollars. Luckily that will replace the five I stole two weeks ago. Shhh… don’t tell the boss. He is a good worker though. He is never late by our clock and stays passed shift. He and his girlfriend have a baby, so if you plan to flirt with him, don’t tell him you know of his situation. Make sure you look innocent. He isn’t too flirty; he is committed to his partner. But if anyone can break him, it might just be you. Make sure you unbutton the first three buttons there on the shirt and show some cleavage. That might help. See me about that later in my office. We will talk privately with the door locked and the blinds closed.

If I am not here, we will assign a PIC. Usually Autumn is the person-in-charge. She is quite dirty; but she is a good worker when she isn’t in the freezer sniffing cocaine or laying on her back on the restroom floor with an employee. She offers rides to any and every male who come here, some females too, so when you are around her, button up… unless you are into that. She has slept with all the male employees here except for Harold. He isn’t giving in, but she isn’t giving up. And that cocaine thing is a secret, so stuff it in your lock box.

Willy Holden is Autumn’s husband. They like to pretend not to know each other when they are here. We caught Willy in my office with the new dishwasher Charlie Van Hoyt last week. Willy claims he thought Charlie was a girl. Don’t ask him about it- he will slap you.

Ricardo is also a dishwasher here. He is the one that stands outside waiting for his mommy to pick him up. You know… the guy with the thick handle-bar mustache. Keep an eye on him though, he steals food; not from us really, but from customers. After they are finished and the dishes are put in the bin, he eats the food that is left from what customers did not eat. We try to make sure that the bins are cleaned constantly so he does not eat the “leftovers.” He tells lies or untrue facts a lot. Don’t believe a word he says. Last Wednesday he told everyone that Derek Jeter was sick of the Yankees and was trying his turn in the NFL. But you don’t have to worry about him; he never speaks to any girls or looks at them. Although he did make an exception for Autumn at one point.

The back dining room is split too. On the right is Marla Sanchez. She has tendencies to complain about everything, so just tune her out. She likes to be pampered a lot, so if she asks you to rub her feet tell her to go home. She never does go home, but at least she will stop asking you to rub her bunions.

Bobbie Ralph is on the other half. He may be cute to you, but do not make a move. His girlfriend is quite strict on who he talks to; especially the girls here. She is quite large, so don’t initiate a fight over Bobbie. If she attacks you, then… well it was good knowing you.

This is where all the cleaning supplies can be found. You are allowed to take one roll of paper towels and one cleaning agent to the front with you at a time. It would be wise to always have the all-purpose cleaner with you. Don’t take any home with you, you will get fired.

This is the break room. You get one break- for lunch. You must order food here or go home. You cannot come in with food and you may not leave with food; however you may buy food before you leave. Do not come in smelling like Burger King. This is not your palace. You cannot have your cake and eat it too.

Do not accept tips from anyone. You do not get any. Do not do the servers side work for tips and do not take to-go orders and accept a tip when they come to pick it up. I am not your pimp and you will not be tipped.

This is your area-keep it clean. You can start now.

Snedeker

His hat always hung near the back door. It was red and black plaid, which had a scratchy wool kind of feel to it. It was next to a sign that said something about nickels in a barrel, but I can’t even remember what now. But it had something to do with leaving five cents in the little barrel that was attached to it. That barrel slot was only big enough for one nickel, and I would occasionally put one in there to see if they ever checked to empty it. I never knew then that it was just for show. He and I had never been close. He never told me he loved me, and when we were at the mall, he always gave my cousin Ryan money and not me. He favored Ryan. Like a favorite pet or something. I understand now that it wasn’t Ryan’s fault, and it wasn’t that Grandpa didn’t like me, but I still wish he showed me he loved me like he did Ryan. Grandma and Grandpa had five children, all of which were girls. So when Ryan came along, Grandpa felt it necessary to bond with him.

That left me with Grandma. That was no problem though. She was a great woman. She gave me money at the mall. She always gave me an extra dollar more than Grandpa gave Ryan. She also had gum in her purse when the time was right. I always found the last stick of gum in the bottom of her fake black leather purse underneath everything she had in it. It was even under all her loose change. She would also have me fetch out a dollar to put in the offering. That purse sat between us in the pew during church service. I hated going to that church service. It was surely for old people. I began to realize why Ryan had asked Grandpa to come pick him up after Sunday school. Eventually I got tired of falling asleep during service on my Grandma’s lap with a half chewed piece of gum in my mouth, and hitched a ride with Ryan and Grandpa in that ugly old green van.

That van was Grandpa’s pride and joy… we used it for everything. We always used it to go on the family trips to Dorney Park usually. It had a back seat, but behind that there was a big open space with a table. That was always awkward to me, but Grandpa loved it. The only problem was the music that came from the stereo; old songs that I didn’t know, but Grandpa and Grandma would sing like birds and the occasional attempted harmonies of my mother and Aunt Tammy would sing along if it were from their time.

I loved going to Grandma and Grandpa’s house. Maybe it was because Grandma would make me as much cinnamon sugar toast as I wanted. I think that is all I ever ate at their house. No, that can’t be true. Because I remember eating leaks that were freshly picked from who knows where shoved in a jar and stashed in the refrigerator, chives that were growing out front in Grandma’s flower bed, and grandma made the best Ramen noodles I ever had. When Ryan was around she had to make it two ways. She knew who liked it which way. Ryan ate it with the broth in it. I hated it that way when I was little. So she drained mine usually into Ryan’s dish. She would smother mine in butter to make it creamy, and then she would always hide an ice cube in the middle of my noodles. But somehow, that ice cube would melt in the two steps from the freezer to the table, and she would have to get me another one.

If it were dinner time, with Ryan over, we always ate spaghetti with a glass of milk. Ryan would think he was the best cook ever and start to add things to the sauce. I thought he knew what he was doing, and started to do it too. I never knew what the sauce tasted like just from the jar until I had it with my mom. Ryan would add a little salt, a little oregano, and who knows what else. He loved milk back then. I don’t remember him drinking anything else. I think that if you had asked Grandma what she always needed on hand back then she would have said, “Milk and cinnamon sugar.” She made her own cinnamon sugar, and it tasted great. That’s another thing; I never knew you could buy cinnamon sugar already mixed right in the store. I never knew you could buy chopped nuts right in the store as well. Grandma had an old green chopper in her cupboard with nuts in it all the time. Whenever I was in the vicinity of the door it was behind, I always had a tendency to chop those nuts. It was automatic for me and by the time I was done, they were nothing but dust. I guess it was a disappointment when I found already chopped nuts in the Giant.

It was constant fun up at Grandma and Grandpa’s… even though their house was in the middle of nowhere on Colesville Rd. Grandpa bought Ryan and I a go-cart which was good since they owned 81 acres of land. It was great fun until we got too big for it; in which case we had to sell it due to it getting no more usage.

81 acres. That meant nothing to me when I was younger. All I knew was there were fields everywhere, and a whole bunch of forest area. Grandma and Grandpa had a camp-site way up out back. It literally was a home-away-from-home. We were up there so much that Grandma made a sign for the back screen door that said:

“Up to camp. Come on up!”

Grandpa would throw parties up there for everything. Most of the time it was a reunion party, but I am sure a lot of the time it was a “just because” party. Grandpa had a generator for when the night fell, because when you are with the Snedeker’s, the party doesn’t end until people leave and the beer is gone. And it took a long time for the beer to get emptied; that was probably because there was so much of it. It didn’t matter what the weather was either. Grandpa had an old bus that had a woodstove in it, and attached to that he built a pavilion which had picnic tables, cabinets, and a stove. I remember I would always dodge people who wanted me to get them something out of the cabinets, one time I got them what they needed, and there was a mouse in there, THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I WOULD EVER OPEN THE DOOR TO THE CABINETS. Outside, he had a big homemade cooking grill that was made out of a metal barrel that made everything we ate, there was a fire pit that we could grill on and have toasted marshmallows or whatever.

Down yonder there was a pond. People would go swimming in it here and there, but eventually I didn’t like that doing that since the fish bit at my toes. I was more interested in catching the frog that lived along the shore and edges of the pond. Ryan could be found fishing of the dock in the back of the pond, and eventually I followed him and fished as well. Grandpa always would say, “Is that a sunny? Throw it away if it is, we got too many of them in there.” I bet we walked into the field not even a foot, there would many fish bones from where all the sunny’s baked in the sun and died.

Usually, people would get tired of the partying (I know I did a lot) and we would end up sleeping in a tiny camper that Grandma and Grandpa had up near the pavilion. After a while though, I got sick of going in there because it was infested with wasps.

Grandpa made sure there were many things to do up at the camp-site. He had a horse-shoe court, volleyball court, swings, fishing, swimming with a diving board, cards were usually being played in the pavilion, and there was always the option of karaoke in the pavilion as well. Grandpa showed off his vocals, singing old songs like “There’s a Tear in My Beer.” I can still hear his ragged voice singing:

“There’s a tear in my beer
cause I’m cryin for you,
Dear you are on my lonely mind.
Into these last nine beers
I have shed a million tears.
You are on my lonely mind
I’m gonna keep on sittin here
Until I’m petrified.
And then maybe these tears
Will leave my eyes.
There’s a tear in my beer
cause I’m crying for you, dear
You are on my lonely mind.”

Most of the time, Ryan and I were the servers of the beer. We were of course underage, but that is beside the point. The beer drinkers were always stationed in the same spot, on the left side of the pavilion in the shaded area, sitting in the old metal chairs with red paint peeling away from them. They were always laughing, talking and drinking really loud, and of course always too lazy to get their own refills. Then again I guess that if they tried to get up to get their refills, they might not be able to make it two feet to the keg due to unstable movements. Therefore, Ryan and I were the ones making refill runs. I remember a guy standing next to the keg telling me how to fill the cup by tipping it so that there was more beer in the plastic cup rather than foam. Ryan and I never made any money doing this, but we were at every beckoning call.

Back at the house though, when I was there during the day, I would very rarely take my nap in my Grandma’s room. This was odd, since her and I were so close. Instead, I would always find myself in my Grandpa’s room. I would lay and look at his wall for hours, before and after my nap. For some reason, (I never asked why), my Grandpa’s room had wallpaper that had fruit on it. Grapes, apples, oranges, and the more that I looked this collage of fruit; the more it looked like a rocking horse to me. Not a happy one either, it looked mean. It was amazing to me, and I don’t know why now. Maybe it is because I was at that age where I thought if I could turn something into something else with my eyes, than… I MUST BE A GENIUS! Granted, in the end, all it was was wallpapered fruit.

I would spend many days out front in the yard waving down cars trying to make them honk their horns at me. I’d prance around the yard singing and dancing to my own voice. I would go smell flowers in my grandma’s garden that only consisted of pansies and chives. After I found that chives were actually food, I would pick one everyday and chew on it.

If I got bored, I was sure that I could end up in the house, laying on my back in the middle of the living room because Ryan would have to perform wrestling moves on me.

At night, when I stayed overnight, I always would look at a frame my Grandma had hanging by her bed that read: “But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon Him; and with His stripes we are healed. (Isaiah 53:5)” And every night before I went to bed, Grandma would have me say the Lord’s Prayer. I always say it wrong when I was seven. I would consider this the first line: “Our Father, who does art in Heaven, hollow it, be His name.” After that line, Grandma could never finish, because she couldn’t stop laughing.

Grandma and Grandpa Snedeker had funny personalities. Grandma was one of a kind. She was a Christian woman who read her devotions daily, and if she was reading the Bible or devotions, she was caught doing crossword puzzles while slumped over in her chair. She loved the “Price is Right.” If you were over to her house, you could bet at 11am she would have channel 12 tuned into that. Every once in a while in my rebellious years, I would make Grandma sit through an episode of Jerry Springer, while I lay sprawled out on the living room floor holding my head up with the palms of my hands. Grandma would sit and laugh while some woman took of her shoe to throw at her husband’s lover.

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

I never really thought about the day that my Grandma and Grandpa would die; never wondered what it would be like when they weren’t around. I never imagined them dying. I didn’t think they would live forever, but I didn’t think they would die either. Although with each passing year and each revolving birthday, they gained more wrinkles and more aches and pains and trips to the doctor or hospital.

I can’t really recall the day my Grandpa died; except it was January 31, 2001. It was a Wednesday, the one after the Super Bowl. It was the Baltimore Ravens vs. the New York Giants. No one in my family is really a football fan, but the Super Bowl gave us a reason to have a party with special food and drinks. Everyone was really only watching the game for two things: commercials and halftime. In 2001, I was 16 and in love with the pop music. When Aerosmith began to play “Jaded,” I sang along, belting each word and note to my heart’s content. My Grandpa leaned forward in his old red recliner, pointed at the TV and said, “What the hell is this racket? Can’t even understand the damn words.” I just looked at him and said, “Its Aerosmith Grandpa.”

I don’t remember the day I found out Grandpa died. All I know is that Grandpa was having trouble with his kidneys and was on dialysis for it. Mom told me she took Grandpa to the doctors in the morning, they brought him home for breakfast, and after he was done with his eggs, he laid his head on the table, then fell out of his chair dead onto the floor. I don’t know what my reaction was when my mom told me that he died. I think I was in shock. I couldn’t help but think, the last words I said to him were, “Its Aerosmith Grandpa.” I never said I loved him. The funeral is all a blur to me now, except for my Grandma, sitting in her chair. She had been chewing her gum when she choked on it and we all gathered to her side to assist her. After getting the gum out of her mouth, we of course threw it away. When we told her what we had done with her gum, she said, “Well what did you do that for? It wasn’t the gums fault.”

I do remember kissing Grandpa’s forehead in the casket before we all left the funeral. I hated funerals and still do, and the last I wanted to do was kiss a dead person. But mom stood there saying, “This is the last time you will get a chance to.”

Grandma’s death was a little different. It was so unexpected compared to Grandpa’s. (Not that we expected Grandpa to die when he did, it’s just Grandpa was sick and Grandma… wasn’t.) I remember the days leading up to her death like they play out every day in my head. After Grandpa died, mom and I moved in to the old homestead to help Grandma out and give her some company. The days went by like any teenagers days do, fast and full of school work, boys and dead-end jobs that had no future. It was February 3, 2003 and I just started dating a boy that I had been talking to for weeks before hand. I remember my mother and I sitting at our computer doing an online quiz that evaluated your answers to ten multiple-choice questions that had to do with your birth date, whether you smoked, drank, did drugs, and whether you had health related problems or not and then told the month, day and age you would die. I honestly don’t know what we were thinking when we did it, but when we typed in my Grandma’s information, the quiz said that she would die on February 22 at age 88. My Grandma was going to be 89 years old on April 8, her next birthday in 2003. On Tuesday February 4, 2003 my boyfriend had asked if my Grandma was still alive since I had called him the night before to reveal her death quiz results. I was frightened it would be right, but deep down, I knew that was unrealistic.

Wednesdays were the nights that my best friend Stephanie would come over to go to church with us and then spend the night. And so, the next day came, Wednesday February 5. Mom made ziti and meatballs for dinner before church. Grandma had spent a great deal trying to get ready and hadn’t eaten dinner. She said she would skip the sermon to stay home and eat. As we piled in the car, we heard her, “Wait, wait, I am coming too.” She shuffled through the door and plopped into the front seat of my mom’s red Saturn. “I will eat when I get home.”

Church went well. Grandma was the praising kind and stood there worshipping with all the rest, her arms reaching towards the ceiling barely able to make it past her midsection. She hated the taste of milk and refused to drink it. Mom said that was why Grandma couldn’t lift her arms, because she didn’t get the calcium she needed and I could learn an important lesson from it. Reverend Jimmy Jack from New York City had been the guest speaker that night, and if he said anything that stuck out, it was, “We need to be on fire for God. We need to be excited we are serving him.” He repeated the words many times and my Grandma just shook her head in agreement with her Bible open and a smile on her face. We headed home, listening to Grandma exclaim, “I could listen to him all night. He is a good preacher.”

After arriving home, Stephanie and I were ushered up to bed. My throat had been making cough all night, so mom insisted that don’t kiss Grandma because she could get sick easily. I don’t know what it was; whether it was something telling me I had to kiss her, or I was just being rebellious, but I kissed her goodnight and headed up the stairs.

The next morning, (February 6, 2003) went as any other day did. Stephanie and I got up, showered and had breakfast. My mom headed to work and Grandma was getting out of bed just as we headed out the door to meet the bus at the end of the driveway. Grandma would always stand at the front door, and watch as a gathered my books and headed onto the big yellow bus. Just as the bus began to come in view up over the hill, I could hear a faint voice behind me, “Ashley, Ashley…” I turned around to see my Grandma sticking her head out the screen door, yelling my name and waving are hand at me as my black lab, Teddy, pushed between her legs to sneak a peek as well. I got on the bus, found my seat and vigorously waved to my Grandma as the bus pulled away from 1609 Colesville Road and headed up the next hill.

I didn’t think too much about leaving Grandma home alone everyday. I figured she would be okay, going about her day in her normal routine. Watching The Price is Right, chatting with her best friend Doris from down the street and most likely feeding Teddie some scraps of table food after mom and I told her not to. And of course, I too went about my day as usual with school; a little bit of English, a little bit of Spanish and a little bit of everything else.

I remember I was sitting in History class. Mr. Pritchard was substituting for Mr. Henry that day. I remember Mr. Pritchard, the one that was short and old with a comb-over hairdo that just looked ridiculous in every way. He smelled like beer all the time and with the way his words slurred, I am sure he came to class drunk. He would sit there, pretending to know what he was talking about, holding his index cards with the information them, and throwing them on the floor one by one as he read them. We were taking a test and the phone rang. He walked over to it, and after a slight “Yes,” he hung up and said, “Ashley Vincent repot to the Principle’s office.”

The Principle’s office? Why would Mr. Hamilton want to see me? Did I do something wrong? No, that can’t be. Stephanie was always the one in trouble. Maybe they just wanted to question me about something she did. My mind was racing wondering what was going on. I remember walking down the long corridor and heading down the stairs as my head began to run through excuse after excuse as to why I shouldn’t get detention for whatever it was I was sure I didn’t do.

I walked in; my face was red with nervousness. Everyone was standing there; Mrs. VanAbs, Mrs. Quick, Mr. Hamilton, Mrs. Rowe and even some students. Mrs. Rowe got off the phone and said, “Ashley, that was your mother on the phone, we lost the connection, but you can use the phone over there. You have to call her cell phone, she is one her way home.”

She didn’t have to say it, I knew something was wrong. I felt the blood in face drain to my toes and I knew I was becoming Ghostly. I dialed quickly, my hands shaking as brought the phone to my ear. “Mom?”

“There is a fire at the house Ashley. Grandma is being airlifted to Syracuse.”

I don’t know if I even heard all that. I remember throwing the phone to the floor, and screaming so loud. Mrs. Quick and Mr. Hamilton rushed over to my aid and helped stand up. One held the phone to my ear as I heard my mom calling my name. “Ashley, do you want me to come get you and take you to Syracuse with me?”

“No. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to see her like that.” I was scared, and maybe I thought she would make it or maybe I knew she would die and I just wanted to remember her the way I saw her waving me from the door that morning.

Of course my mom told me I had to stay the night somewhere because the house was unlivable. I didn’t know what happened and I was sure what was going on. I just headed back up the stairs crying to my History test that still sat on my desk with just a few bubbled answers on it. My face feeling like a soaked sponge and my body unable to cooperate with my mind, I walked in and sat down. Starring at the test with tear-filled eyes, Mr. Prichard strolled over and said, “Get back to work. You have twenty minutes to finish.”

I couldn’t take it. I remember just getting up and saying no, I can’t or something like that and running out into the hall as I fell lightly onto the tiled floor sobbing with head in my hands. Stephanie laid her hands on my shoulder and asked what was wrong. But the thing was, I didn’t know what was wrong. The only thing I gained from the phone conversation was ‘fire, Syracuse and Grandma.”

I didn’t find out until 9 p.m. that night exactly what happen, and on some level I am pretty positive that none of it registered. I was in a shocked state of mind and I think even now, five years later, it is still all so unrealistic to me.

I was staying with Amanda, a girl that I remember from the BOCES bus who didn’t like me because I was too loud and happy all the time. She had been in the Main Office when I was called down and offered for me to stay with her while my house was getting fixed from the fire. I was just sitting there on the couch when the phone rang; my mom on the other end told me exactly what happened. This is when I never digested the information and later was able to let it sink in what had gone on.

She was making her morning tea on the stove. When she went to pour the hot water into her mug, she didn’t turn off the flame to the stove and caught the sleeve to her housecoat on fire. She walked over to the table, sat down and began eating. She moved her arm from the table to her waist where she then realized she was on fire on her sleeve and her waist area. At the time, my mother and I had hung a heavy blue blanket in the doorway from the living room to the kitchen to keep the cold air in the kitchen. My Grandmother had to pass by this to get the living room, and managed to do so without even singeing the fabric. At this time, her slippers were on fire and left a print in the kitchen tile. As she walked to the bathroom, parts of her housecoat were falling off and starting little fires around the house. In the living room, one of the fires burnt a hole straight through the floor to the basement. Most of the damage to the house was confined to the bathroom where my Grandma took her robe off and put it in the tub, and where she turned on the water to the sink, letting it overflow while she ran around the house putting out the little fires here and there that started.

That was the way my Grandma was; always thinking of others and putting them above her. We believe she was thinking that she needed to put out the fires so that her, my mother and I could have a place to live.

My Aunt Tammy was supposed to come up to the house to spend the day or just a portion of it with Grandma. However, my little cousin Sydney got sick and was staying home from school. Not wanting to make Grandma sick, my Aunt opted to just call and reschedule the visit.

“Mom, I wont able to come up, but we will get together sometime this week.”

In a weary voice my Grandma answered, “That’s fine.”

My Aunt had noticed the different sound in my Grandma’s voice and asked, “Are you okay ma?”

“Oh, I am fine. I am just a little burned.”

Thinking it was nothing but she burned her arm, my Aunt said she would come up and take Grandma to the hospital.

Upon arriving, she went in to find my Grandma naked and her body completely and severely burned, lying on the couch with Doris nearby. When Tammy asked if anyone called 911, all Doris said was she didn’t feel like it was her place to call because she’s not family, therefore my Aunt called 911.

When the medics arrived, they said that she was just too fragile to touch and that they would have to get her to Cole Park where the helicopter was waiting to take her to the Syracuse Burn Center. The medics said that Grandma couldn’t feel anything because she was so burnt that her nerve endings were gone. But I think that she knew she was okay because she would soon be in the presence of our Lord.

When they got to the hospital, Grandma barely was hanging on to life. Grandma’s five daughters are scattered through New York and Pennsylvania, with my Aunt Roberta being the furthest in Niagara Falls. However, Grandma hung on until each and every daughter of hers was by her bedside. After everyone was there, they told her that it was okay to let go now, and then sang her favorite song “Amazing Grace.” At 4:20 p.m. my Grandma was pronounced dead.

Until now, I just went through the motions of life; moving from Grandma and Grandpa’s homestead into an apartment with my mom, going every Memorial Day to the cemetery to visit them at the grave. And now, I am hoping to release the pain that I have had bottled up through this.

I guess I never realized all the memories I acquired, I was just going through life… oblivious to the fact that someday, my Grandma and Grandpa Snedeker would be gone, and the only thing I could hold onto are these scrapbooked memories.

In memory of Clarence Snedeker "Grandpa" (1918-2001)

and Alene Snedeker "Grandma" (1914-2003)

We love and miss you very much. You are always in our hearts.

See you when we get there!

Because of Daddy

Ialways obeyed my mom’s rule about not going to close to the curb. But that was when I was 5, now I am seven-years-old; practically a grown woman. I know that she doesn’t see it that way, but I do. And that is why I decided to test the waters with my basketball every so often. When mama wasn’t looking, my ball would roll from our driveway right into the street; make it to the middle almost then roll back to hit the curb. I didn’t go too far, just far enough to get my stranded ball. I couldn’t leave it there to go get mother, just so she could come get it. What if the mean boys down the street saw it all alone and took it? I knew they would if I left it. They threw snowballs with rocks in the middle of them at Abby and I, I wouldn’t put it passed them to take my ball. It was new, from Wal-Mart. It was yellow with a smiley face on it… and they couldn’t have it. It was mine and I was going to be the big girl I am and get it. Mom would surely understand!

She didn’t. She was smart. She sent me to my room and closed the door all the way. I hated that. It scared me. I cried and cried and cried, but she never opened it back up without saying, “What did I tell you about going that close to the curb? You could have gotten hit by a car.”

I cried more, but I knew that I wouldn’t have gotten hit by a car. The only people that came down that road were the people that lived on it. And they know kids lived here, so they went slow. But to get out of my enclosed square box that I was terrified of, I said, “I am sorry ma, I won’t do it again.”

We lived on a side road off a side road in Johnson City. There was a little store on the corner near the main road that I was never allowed to go to. Yet this was like the “curb” issue. I talked Abby into going with me every so often and that weird kid, Matt that couldn’t stop trying to hold my hand tagged along. I didn’t like him, he was too strange. I would go there to buy candy cigarettes because I thought they were cool; or “kool” which is how the older kids were spelling. Mom threw a fit every time I went there, and yet, I still did.

I guess that at some point she decided I was old enough to cross streets. I am what kids call a “walker.” I walk to school. From my sitter’s house about 5 blocks away, I walk to “Stinkin’ Lincoln.” I don’t know how that name caught on, but that is what we all called it. Maybe it was because there were crossing guards everywhere, that mom didn’t have trouble letting me walk to school. I would walk every day with Abby to and from school.

Today was different though. We made up our minds that this day we were not walking to school. We were walking home to our apartment building across the railroad tracks. Abby and I came from “broken homes.” At least that is what my Aunt called it, and I though she meant my house was falling apart, but it looks study to me. However, I guess she meant we didn’t have fathers. Although, I do have a daddy and so does Abby, they just don’t live with us. And on a day like today, we couldn’t sow our faces at “Stinkin’ Lincoln.”

Today was the day all the kids fathers lined the back wall of classroom. The day they looked at the pictures we drew that hung neatly on the walls and the day that they hugged their kids and said I love you to them because they were proud. And today, like last year, my dad wasn’t there. I didn’t invite him, so maybe it was my fault. Last year, I brought my mom and the kids laughed… I didn’t want that to happen again, so Abby and I skipped school altogether today. No parading fathers to gawk at, no kids to laugh and pick on us, no teachers with searching eyes as they call for our fathers to stand, NOTHING to hurt our feelings.

It was the perfect plan. We walked the long distance home, and made it without getting hurt. WE crossed streets, held hands, looked both ways… we were big girls. Not big enough to carry a key though. We were locked out. We came home to spite the school, and we were locked out of the house. But that meant nothing, the garage was always unlocked and it had everything we needed. Toys to play with, bikes to go to the park, and our lunches were in our bags.

Everything was going our way until the little blue car that Abby’s mother stepped out of pulled in the driveway. We scattered like loose marbles, running anywhere we could to get out of sight and hid behind towering bushes. She must have seen us because her voice yelling our names carried through the air and pierced my ears. “Abby, Ashley…”

“We’re not here…” What was I doing? I might as well have jumped on her car.

BUSTED! I had ruined the whole plan. We were dragged to school and straight to the principles like stray dogs to a pound. Humiliation hit me as the kids peeked through the crack of the door on the way to the bathroom. And at that moment I wished my mom was there in class with me because I wouldn’t be as ashamed.

The weeks following were bad. Mom made me sit in the corner of the living room facing the wall for a month, while Abby was outside playing after a week.

Seven is a hard age and I am sure it gets harder as I get older. But if I learned one thing, it’s not to skip school… or maybe it’s to not get caught.

2009 Poetry

Do Not-2009

To: Lan Ho, Parveen Ali, Li Guo, Dolores Yigal, Hong Xiu Mao, Marc Henry Bernard, Maria Sonia Bernard, Maria Zobniw, Ling Jiang,

Hai Hong Zhong, Roberta King, Layla Khalil and Almir O. Alves: The 13 victims of the April 3, 2009 American Civic Association shooting.

Do not be discouraged.

For I now am in the arms of God.

I am in no pain-

Along the golden trail I trod.

Do not weep for me.

For I now am in a better place.

I will wait for you here,

But come at God’s pace.

He will reunite us

When the timing is right.

Then we will be together,

Looking at this Heavenly sight.

Do not hold a grudge.

Because now- I am okay.

Just stop to remember me every year

That marks this fateful day.

Sing praises to the life I lived

And be happy in all you do.

For I am happy,

And will always love you.

Baby, Oh Baby-This I Vow- 2009

Have you ever wanted one more chance to let someone know?

Have you ever wanted one more to time to say good bye before they go?

Have you ever cried at night wanting to say I love you so?

Baby, oh baby, why did you go?

I have no words to describe the feelings you left with me here

Crying cannot change it- the times I held you dear.

Tell me you are coming back to this place so we can be near.

Tell me there is no goodbye- you leaving is my fear.

Have I left you with no choice to leave me here today?

Have you forgotten all the forever’s we always used to say?

Have you decided there is nothing your heart can pay?

Baby, oh baby why did you leave me this way?

I have wanted no more that to have you here right now.

There is no way for me to say the feeling is like Wow.

You have broken my heart so bad how I cannot believe I’d allow.

Remember that I love you- this I vow.

Have you ever wanted to come back home on the midnight train?

Or have you found a new one in Paris or Spain?

Is there still room in your heart for me or has all the love gone down the drain?

Baby, oh baby please take away this pain.

Michael Jackson Ode-2009

It’s the ‘Thriller’

The chiller the

Shocker too.

Knowing we have lost

The greatest “King of Pop”,

Pop has ever knew.

‘I Can’t Help It’

You were so special

You know.

The day you died,

Everyone cried,

And now we are all alone.

‘The Way You Make Me Feel’

Tell me that won’t

Ever, ever go away.

We have all the memories,

Some funny, some sad,

Some I don’t even want to say.

‘Gone Too Soon’

Taken without goodbye.

Hear of you now,

Just trying not to cry.

We’ll all ‘Come Together’

And remember you before you died.

Blank-2009

I don’t know why she came.

Her paper was blank.

I could see there were words in her head,

But her paper was still blank.

White, blue lined paper-

Blank.

Not one pen mark-

No words-

Not even a doodle.

She was processing some thought,

But her paper was blank.

Her eyes squinted,

And she tapped her chin with pen.

Nothing.

There seemed to be nothing feasible

Going on in there.

I looked down,

My beautiful pad of paper,

My newly bought pen,

And my words just ready to flow of my tongue

The moment I was ready to write them.

But as much as I had to say-

I spent so much time looking at her blank paper-

Mine too-

Was still…

Blank.

Robe-2009

To: Grandma Snedeker

Her eyes were drowsy.

Her knees were weak.

She trembled in her bed shoes

As she stood at the old metal stove.

Her hands shaking,

She poured a glass of hot water.

Her tea bag awaited its connection.

Pink.

Her robe was pink.

Not an absurd pink either.

A pale pink- except for her sleeve which now glowed

Orange and red.

After her tea,

Her robe was black.

Disintegrating on her body

And falling to the cold tiled floor.

Her hair was singed

Her nails melted away.

There was no pain.

She said she was “fine.”

“Fine” meant nothing to be.
She had become a human fireplace.

Made of skin, breath and

A pale pink robe.

Fence posts-2009

Blue picket fence,

Upon the grass so green.

The blades tickling my ankles,

And the wood holding my hand.

Yellow as the sun,

Ripening my hair blonde.

7,000 fence posts-

I counted down North Rd.

The nightfall- now

Throwing moonbeams upon my skin

Brought delightful dew in the air.

As I was blinking at the stars,

And the stars blinked back,

Crickets sang me lullabies

And the owl’s watched my every step.

Like a breadcrumb trail,

7,000 fence posts followed me home.

Breakfast-2009

He makes his eggs,

Then throws them away.

He sighs and tries

To remember her- back in the day.

His wife made his breakfast

Until the day she died.

There is pain in his eyes,

But he still hasn’t cried.

The days wither away,

He still doesn’t know what month it is.

He remembers her name was Jane,

But he cannot remember his.

He sits by her grave,

With not a lot to say.

He tells her he misses her,

And loves her still to this very day.

Before he goes,

He saves this line for last…

“Jane I wish you were here,

Because since you have been gone, I haven’t had any breakfast.”

To Make Me Whole-2009

To make me whole,

I need your half.

Even through all these tears,

I still need to laugh.

To love me completely,

I know is a difficult task…

But to love me unconditionally,

That is all I ask.

To make me whole,

I need you by my side.

Even through my strong independence,

I need someone in which to confide.

You say you are apprehensive

And aren’t sure what to do…

Somehow you still look at me,

And say, “I love you.”

A Life I Couldn’t Give- 2009

I went through the motions of my everyday life.

Until that test put it all in overdrive.

Wondering what to do-

Or even if I could survive.

This wasn’t the plan,

I was still young.

I was pregnant-

I couldn’t bite my tongue.

It wasn’t a joke,

Not even funny if it were.

I was scared and foolish-

What would I do with him or her?

They spoke at me-

Everyone’s opinion was here.

Laying out my option as

9 months would come near.

There were many choices.

I weighed them all out.

Talked to my parents

And got someone to help me out.

The decision was ultimately mine.

And I was old enough to make it.

The thought that I was pregnant-

I couldn’t shake it.

The days wore on

I began to show.

People whispered behind my back

As my baby continued to grow.

I had no job,

Still was in school.

Thought I was having fun

And fitting in was cool.

I thought I was invincible,

Here I stand now.

Knowing what got me here,

But still wondering how.

Abortion, Adoption, Parenting.

Abortion, Adoption, Parenting.

My three choices that went

with this life of mine that was changing.

I couldn’t choose,

My head was spinning.

I thought my life was over

While this little ones was barely beginning.

Abortion didn’t fit my life and

Parenting was hard enough when not nineteen.

This wasn’t an easy decision, not glamorous either-

This wasn’t just a movie scene.

This was my life,

And now my body had a life inside.

There were times I wanted out of it all

And times I just cried.

But then God showed me the answer

In this couple I already knew.

And without hesitation asked them,

“Can my unborn baby find parents in the two of you?”

Adoption just seemed right.

A life for my baby

One I couldn’t give.

One that could or couldn’t include me.

The choice was difficult

But pregnancy isn’t always easy.

But I knew this choice wasn’t about me-

It was about this precious baby.

Now he’s almost 5.

And growing into a little man.

I know he will sometime wonder-

How his life all began.

Maybe with this-

He can rest easy knowing-

That no matter what I loved him from that moment…

In my belly he started growing.

New York to California- Might make a difference-2009

You left me in June.

We were in New York at 11 am.

I hated seeing you walk away- but there was nothing I could do.

You said there was nothing left.

Nothing between me and you.

I wanted to go back-

Just two hours.

We were happy, we were in love.

That is why I made the decision to go-

30,000 feet above.

With my feet off the ground and my heart set,

I was on the first plane to California.

L.A., San Fran- as long as I was in a different time zone.

Where instead of being 11 am, it would be 8.

And maybe I wouldn’t be alone.

So I traveled back in time,

Just to look in your eyes,

And maybe hold your hand.

I traveled back- So we could be together,

Just like we always planned.

Can’t Say the Same for You-2009

I don’t really understand this,

I really just don’t know.

I don’t really understand this,

How you just could go.

But please don’t over talk it,

Don’t try to explain yourself now.

I don’t want to really know why,

I don’t want to really know how.

Don’t say it’s been great,

And you wish it still were.

Don’t pretend I’ll not be here,

I’ll always be here for her.

If you shut that door,

We really are through.

I never wanted this to end-

Obviously, I can’t say the same for you.

Harper’s Island-2009

You are coming at me,

Sword and shield drawn.

You’ve been hunting me for awhile,

I just really know how long.

I have been scared

I have been terrified.

I have been shaky,

And I have cried.

I don’t here you in the night,

But I know you lurk out there.

I have seen your footprints,

I can feel you stare.

I hate you now, more than before.

I cannot go outside,

I cannot open my door.

You’ve locked me in,

And here I wait.

For that day die,

In this gory storybook fate.

Casualities-2009

I have causalities on my floor.

Their lives I could not spare.

They came a marching,

They smelled the sugar in the air.

From behind the stove

And through the molding on the floor.

They came over the table

And under the door.

Their feet a moving,

Their ready to eat.

They come running,

Gathering to eat and meet.

Carrying back crumbs

To have a feast.

They didn’t hear me coming,

They didn’t know they would end up deceased.

But my daughter yelled,

“MOMMY ANTS!”

And upon those little crawling black spots,

I did the ants dance.

I killed them all

And now I have causalities on my floor.

They won’t be the last.

Every year... there is more.

I Wonder…-2009

I wonder…

Whose eyes would you have?

Whose nose would define your face?

Would you glorify God?

Would have my impeccable grace?

Would you dream of great things?

Would you become all that you dream?

Would you cry nice and hard when you are sad?

And when you are happy, would you scream?

Would you grow up to be a handsome man?

Would you have children of your own with your wife?

Would you be a great dad?

And then would you look back and say, you love your life?

I wonder…

But then again,

I don’t have too.

There are many who still wonder about their kids,

But with God’s direction, I didn’t abort you.

I wish upon you, all these things,

And I hope that someday they come true.

Because ever since you were born,

No one has deserved them any more than you.

Never a Wedding-2009

I never got a wedding.

I never met the perfect guy.

I never had people there,

To just see him and I.

No one got to hear

I and my groom say “I do.”

No one saw me in a gorgeous dress,

I never heard “that looks good on you.”

There was never a minister,

And not a crumb of tasty cake.

No beautiful church,

An overgrown field or a ceremony by a lake.

No reception with dancing,

No “just married” sign.

I’ve been to all the wedding’s this year,

And I don’t think… I’ll ever have mine.

Wildlife Talk- 2009

Do you hear the bear?

Do you hear the snake?

Do you know?

What sound do they make?

Growl, growl- said Mama Bear.

Time for the cubs to go to bed.

Growl, growl- said the little ones,

Let’s do what Mama said.

Sss, sss- said the Papa Snake.

I will keep you warm.

Sss, sss- said the baby snakes.

We will be safe from the storm.

Do you know hear the birds?

Do you hear the frogs?

They are hiding in the trees,

And sitting on the logs.

Tweet, tweet- said the babies.

Where is the worm?

Tweet, tweet- said the Mommy

It’s here don’t you squirm.

Ribbit, ribbit- said the froggies

We want to go for a swim.

One by one they get ready

And soon they will jump right in.

They all have their voices,

They all have something to do.

So rest your head here my baby,

It’s nighty night time for me and you.

All Have Been Read- 2009

To: Grandma Snedeker

10 years have passed.

It has all been said.

My feelings have been written

And all have been read.

Lord knows,

There is nothing I’d rather do.

Then have one more moment

To sit and talk with you.

This is part of life.

And that is what makes it hard.

Everyone shows their sympathy.

In an awkward silence, a hug or a card.

Nothing seems to be enough.

The pain is still around.

Sometimes when I am walking,

The pain can knock me to the ground.

I miss you isn’t enough

And I love you cannot justify how I feel.

But to tell you it all now

Just makes it all seem more real.

10 years have passed.

It has all been said.

My feelings have been written

And all have been read.

Our Little Girl- 2009

In the 4 years we have been together,

You never bought me jewelry.

You only say I love you

Before you leave or if it is first said by me.

We sleep in the same bed,

But I don’t think we are even friends.

I am in this reoccurring nightmare

That feels like it never ends.

If it’s not one thing- it’s another-

Like an old car.

The one argument barely finishes,

And another is not too far.

We’ve traveled this road,

And to this day it doesn’t feel right.

I’ve tried to patch the holes,

But the future never looks bright.

Technically, there is only one reason,

I still remain in this disastrous wind whirl.

It is not for us at all.

It is for our little girl.

Lies Marinate This Chicken- 2009

This has been working.

I feel like a marinated chicken,

And these last four years have been a waste.

I feel like you have been just telling me lies.

Feeding my inner core.

And now there is a choice with which I am faced.

There is no easy decision.

Someone will end up sad.

This is the hardest time.

It will hurt you.

And me.

But the most hurt will not be yours or mine.

She is young.

How do you tell little girl?

There is telling what this may do.

I cannot face that,

But I cannot deal with this…

She will be so hurt and not even know- because she is only 2.

“I will change.” No. You won’t.

That is a lie.

You and I both know.

“What can I do?”

Nothing.

That is why the decision is for us to go.

Her and me…

We will have to make it somehow.

Without you.

I can’t say this is great.

But this is it…

It’s what best- for her, for me and for you.

I Can’t Sleep-2009

I can’t sleep.

Lying next to you makes me sick.

Just knowing you are there

Makes me tick.

There is nothing here to salvage.

I wish this were so easy to throw away.

I cannot stand to be here

In your presence day to day.

I get more comfort,

Cuddling with the cat.

I can’t believe that doesn’t bother you.

Don’t you see something wrong with that?

Please just say it is over

And let me go.

That will be easiest.

For us all. You know?

I can’t sleep.

My mind is racing...

With all this stuff you have given me to think about

And this situation I am facing.

When I Want You-2009

When I want you to see your face-

I have to do nothing

But close my eyes.

The longer they are closed

The more and more

Your image intensifies.

It is like you are here

Wrapping your arms

Around me tight.

Holding me now

Kissing me forever

Not just for that one night.

When I want to hear your voice-

I have to do nothing

And your words are clear.

“Please don’t wake me

If I’m dreaming… wanna stay with you all night.”

It is like you’re always near.

Whispering I love you

In my ear

And playing with my hair.

Like you’re lying beside me

Not just in my thoughts-

It’s like you’re really there.

When I want you here

All I need is my mind

And you can appear.

But hopefully one day

I can wake up

And really have you here.

As Faithful as the Sunrise-2009

Good morning dove-

It’s been a week.

You have met me at dawn

Every morning on my sill.

Just sitting there watching me

As though you were watching TV.

We have grown to be friends.

I awake every morn-

Just to see you.

I’ve named you—

Charlie.

I like it.

::Yawn::

Good— wait…

::Sigh::

Bad mourning dove-

Rest in peace Charlie.
I’ll miss you.

Daisies on August 3^rd-2009

He used to kneel there,

In the garden to pick flowers.

I’d be in the window

Watching him for hours.

He’d pick those daisies

Every spring.

I remember when he proposed.

Brought me daisies and a ring.

I couldn’t help it,

I couldn’t say no.

This was the boy I loved,

And he had to know.

He never is in that garden

Anymore that I can see.

He has moved on

And is away from me.

I can’t tell you where he has gone

Or where he will be.

He only returns once in while

To set upon one knee.

And when he does,

He brings daisies from another place.

He can’t bring them from my overgrown garden.

It’s been neglected— that’s the case.

But I know he still comes

Every August on day three.

He comes to visit my site,

Just to being daisies for our anniversary.

He lays them gently

And mumbles “I love you.”

I just wish he could hear me say,

“I love you too.”

One Last Fight-2009

It is getting all too close

My skin is going to rip.

I can’t hold on anymore

I am losing my grip.

The stress is filling my veins

The relationship is going to fail.

I feel I am running in circles-

Like a cat chasing its tail.

Round and round we go.

The end is in sight.

Want to try and break me?

Just give it one last fight.

“Good” Nothing-2009

I can’t say it’s a good night

When we are still lying in the same bed.

I try to sleep—

But everything falls apart in my head.

I can’t say it’s a good morning

When I am still waking up to you.

I try to pretend you aren’t—

But nothing works- no matter what I do.

Between us…

Nothing is “good.”

Nothing is like it used to be—

Nothing is like it should.

I can’t say it’s a “good” anything

Until this all ends.

Maybe it will all clear up

If we are nothing more than friends.

Probably shouldn’t be this Way:

What LeAnn Rimes Sparked in Me- 2009

“Mama says that I just shouldn’t speak to you

[Trisha] says that I should just move on…”

What they don’t know is I have tried

And I have tried for so long.

There was a time,

I thought I was stuck.

In a spot to never get out,

I thought I was out of luck.

The light at the end of the tunnel

Seemed too dim for my eye.

But maybe it was just faded from the tears that I cry.

Don’t pretend you don’t know,

Don’t pretend this is all new news.

This isn’t just developing…

And I am the one with so much to lose.

Don’t hold me back

And say we will be fine.

This is it now,

It’s where I draw the line.

It probably shouldn’t be this way,

But there is no other way for us to be.

We have fought it out and tried again,

And now it is all the same to me.

You can stop talking,

There is no more left to say.

Please just say goodbye,

Because it will be easier that way.

Catastrophic- 2009

Holding on to a string that seems is being pulled out of my hands.

All my stars could fall out of the sky tonight,

And that could show where it all stands.

Between you and me there is dead air and fights.

There will be nothing left

When we turn out the lights.

You let go of my hand many months ago,

The effect

Can and will be catastrophic you know?

There is no telling what time will do,

But there is no more time

For me and you.

This all has me broken, and my heart cannot take anymore.

This is all the crying I can take

And there is nothing calling me more than the front door.

Call me crazy, but I know you can see

Everything that is happening

Between you and me.

Stop telling me to stay and stop asking why.

These are things I cannot address

Through this heartbroken cry.

Don’t touch my face and wipe away a tear.

Don’t hold me back

My leaving is sincere.

Together Again- 2009

It’s been years since we have been together

Together… in any sort of way.

But we find ourselves on your couch

Things are different today.

There is no mention too much

Of our past.

The years have flew by

And the memories went too fast.

There is nowhere I want to be

Except right here right now with you.

There is nothing I want more

Than to have this time with you too.

Things have been so crazy, and it seems

You are here to pick me up now.

We are becoming together again

And the way it has all happened, I am just not sure how.

I am starring at you

Remembering “us” way back when.

14, 15, 16…

The things that could have been.

I don’t want to wonder anymore

Because I always knew we were supposed to be together.

I don’t want this to sound all cliché,

But I have always known we should be you and me… forever.

I Get A Little Shy

I get a little shy

When I look into your eyes

And there’s nothing I can do.

I want to tell you things

Want to start begging please

But there is so much more for you.

I am trying not to hold back

I have nothing to lack

There’s just something you should know.

It’s on the tip of my tongue

And I don’t want you to run…

Please say you will not go.

When I tell you I love you

When I tell you I need you

There is much more to it now.

When I tell you I want you

When I tell you to kiss me

There is so much more to it now.

There is something there for me

I really wish you could see

That tomorrow can be our day.

It should have happened long ago

But time took a toll

And now we can have it our way.

I wish I could open up more

I wish I could unleash the bottom drawer

There is just too much on my mind.

I want you to know me

I want you to see me

There is so much here to find.

Tell me we can try

It’s just up to you and I…

We can be us this time.

Hold onto my hand

Beside me please stand

Tell me you can be mine.

Forever We Will Be In Love- 2009

Holding your hand,

The sun now sets,

Forever we will be in love… … …

When I Call- 2009

Of course you would pick up the phone

When I call you tonight.

I wanted to talk to your voicemail

Because I didn’t want to start a fight.

I know you are downstairs

But I cannot stand to look at you right now.

Everything is pointing to goodbye

And you can’t understand how.

Stop saying you are sorry

There is nothing that will make me stay.

Please just let me go

You know it has to be this way.

I have to move on

And leave you behind in the past.

We thought we were in love

But that love disintegrated fast.

There is nothing left but dust

And that can’t save us at all.

Of course you would pick up the phone tonight

…when I call.

Another Lonely Night- 2009

Another lonely night

And you aren’t that far away.

I am laying here in bed

Wishing today was the day.

We keep planning these nights

So we can hold each other close.

But when we are away

I am missing you the most.

I hold onto your every last word

Repeating it all in my head.

Hoping it will send me into a dream

About these words you’ve said.

We talk every day

We talk every night-

I am just waiting for the time

You are with me when I turn out the light.

When I can say I love you

And know when morning is near

I can wake up to the sunshine

And you are lying right here.

You Belong with Me- 2009

I wait in the darkness

Hoping to hear your voice.

I keep calling your name

I have no choice.

You are my rock

The one I hold near.

Losing you at all

Is by far my greatest fear.

Please do not be scared

Please do not hold back.

Beginning 10 years ago,

We became “Ashley and Zach.”

You and I both know

We belong together.

You are all I really want

Now and forever.

But it will take both of us

To really see-

I belong with you

And you belong with me.

I Love You I Love You-2009

I am trying to keep my mouth shut

Trying not to let it out.

I want you to say it first

But I just want to shout…

I love you

I love you

Do you know?

I love you

I love you…

I don’t want this feeling to go.

I bet you can see it

Here in my eyes when I stare

It’s written all over my face

I just want you to know how much I care.

I want to tell everyone

But you need to know first.

If I hold this in any longer

My heart might just burst…

I am feeling this feeling

You will see when I bleed

The love I have

Because my blood will read…

I love you

I love you

Do you know?

I love you

I love you…

I don’t want this feeling to go.

Simply Said-2009

Maybe there is nothing left to say

My tears should say it all.

I cannot stay here day to day

Building up hope just so that it can fall.

Please Don’t Grow Up This Week-2009

It’s hard to remember that you don’t

Need your night light on tonight.

Or that I need to wake up at 1 a.m.-

But there is a good chance I just might.

I already miss you so much

And now it is time for me to go to sleep.

But silently on pillow

I lay with my eyes wide open and weep.

It hasn’t been yet

12 hours since you have gone away.

But I cannot begin to tell you,

I will miss each one of those 10 days.

There was no kiss goodnight tonight,

No tucking you in bed.

No “Mommy mere” being yelled 500 times

To give me an ache in my head.

I never heard “can I have a drink?”

Or “Where is my bunny?”

And I missing that adorable smile

And you repeating to me, “That’s funny!”

I’ll forget to turn off the alarm tonight

Because I will forget that you aren’t here.

You coming back all grown up

And not needing a nightlight is what I fear.

So please stay a little girl

At least until the end of next week.

The Choo Choo Sound-2009

I hear a train

I bet she hears it too.

I know how excited she gets

When she hears that choo choo.

Her eyes light up

As she looks around-

All of a sudden I hear her yell:

“Mommy, Mommy- choo choo sound.”

She runs to the window

On her toes she stands.

Trying to climb on the sill,

Pulling up with her little hands.

I grab her waist

And hoist her up enough to see.

She starts kicking at squealing

This little girl at age 3.

So much joy

So much wonder and discovery.

I am so glad I get to experience it all with her-

I love being her Mommy.

Something else will catch her attention

As the train fades away.

Something new and exciting,

But that train makes her smile every day.

When We Were 25- 2009

Feels like it was only yesterday

When I first looked into your blue eyes.

Now it’s been 10 years

The truth is… time really flies.

We were so young

Way back then.

It was a lifetime ago

But I remember when…

We first said hi

We first held hands.

We spent our time

Making long term plans.

We made a pact

For when we were 25

We would start our life.

Nothing ever goes

According to the plans.

I could see us forever

Holding hands.

I always wanted one thing

The one thing is to call you mine.

Now I look at the photographs

Remembering back to that time…

Alone under the stars

We once kissed.

Now alone I am here

You are being missed.

We would start our life.

When we were 25.

Come December- 2009

I can’t tell you how long

I have wanted to say,

I’d give everything I own

If you’d just go away.

You pick me up and lead me or

Just so you can push me down.

But I’ll tell you I’ve had enough,

And you can no longer knock me around.

How come all I’m saying

Isn’t getting through to your brain?

I want you outta my life

You’re driving me insane.

I’ve said it once,

Twice, three times or more.

Yet for some reason- come December.

You still think I’m not walking out that door.

Hey Zachary!-2009

To: Zachary Winfield

Hey Zachary!

I know you’ve been watching me.

It’s been a while wouldn’t you say?

There are moments you cross my mind

And I begin to think back to that time.

When I fell in love with you the very first day.

A little shy with a pounding heart

Never wanting to be apart.

Bring it on—

Hey Zachary!

You’ve always been the boy for me

I’ve always wanted it to be just me and you.

Not much has changed here,

I am still keeping the image of us near…

Stop me if you feel it too.

Here I am, in front of you I stand.

Giving you my heart and wanting to hold your hand.

What do you say?

I don’t want time to pass us by one more time.

I’d rather be able to again, call you mine.

Let this be our day.

A little shy with a pounding heart

Never wanting to be apart.

Bring it on—

Hey Zachary!

I know you’ve been watching me.

It’s been a while wouldn’t you say?

Hey Zachary… what do you say?

143-2009

143…

When I look at you,

That is all I see.

You may not know what it means,

But it means something to me.

I can’t really say it now

Even though I have felt it for you before.

It was a long time ago

1999: the beginning- I am pretty sure.

And now when I look at you,

Without saying something you understand

I can say “143”

And just hold your hand.

If I only say it

Loud enough for me to hear.

I am hoping someday to you

It will be crystal clear.

143…

When I look at you,

That is all I see.

You may not know what it means,

But it means something to me.

Dialing Your Number- 2009

It’s been taking all I have

Just to not pick up the phone…

But for some reason when I don’t-

I feel all alone.

Through the phone

I feel like you aren’t far away.

Tonight though—

That will change… and my heart will turn gray.

Dialing your number

Just to see your name.

I keep dialing your number

Just to keep me sane.

Waiting for your voicemail

Just to hear you speak.

Hoping the sound of your voice

Will satisfy me like a kiss on the cheek.

I put it down

Just to pick it up again.

I want to say a few different things

I just don’t know when.

The timing is all off

But the things to say are still here.
They have carried me though

The last ten years.

Nothing is stopping me from letting it out

But there is no way for me to tell you what it’s all about.

Tell me I’m not crazy

And you dial my number too.

Tell me the feelings I am feeling-

Are stirring up in you.

I’m dialing again-

Not going to hang up this time.

But if you don’t pick up

That will be just fine.

ZA- 2009

To: Zachary Winfield

10 years ago-

I met my high school sweetheart.

We were inseparable

Even when we were apart.

We were so young

At the ripe age of 14.

We were together and breaking up-

Just all a part of the teenage scene.

I lost him once

When he broke my heart really bad.

I remember mom buying me balloons

Because I was so sad.

I lost him again but for good

When I broke his heart even worse.

I’ve regretted it ever since

And wish I could rewind and reverse.

And after 7 years

He is back.

Now I will do it right-

And never lose you again Zach.

Merry Christmas Mom-2009

I couldn’t find you a Christmas present

Decent enough to suit your taste.

So now with this dilemma

I am faced…

I went store to store

There was nothing I could find.

I started to go a little crazy-

Kind of lost my mind.

There was a money amount limit

Of which I could spend.

Not even by one penny

Could that amount bend.

You gave me some ideas

But by Christmas Eve you see-

Everyone bought up those ideas

And there wasn’t one left for me.

So here is the money

That I would have spent.

All thirty dollars of it

Down to the very last cent.

Buy what you wish-

When Christmas is done.

That way you know they’ll have it in stock

Instead of having none.

Merry Christmas

And Happy New Year…

Hope they both are filled

With love and cheer.

The Night of Christmas Eve and Time for Bed

It’s the night of Christmas Eve, and everyone is here.

They came for a party from far and from near.

We made a cake and cookies too.

Made enough for me, Santa and you.

Had some milkshakes to wash it all down.

Waiting an anticipating what’s about to be coming around.

Ho, ho, ho- I bet you know what I mean.

It’s that time of year for the Christmas routine—

The cookies are placed gently on the Christmas plate.
The milk is on ice in the snowman mug and it’s getting late...
She wrote Santa a note and set it near the cookies
that asked for that gift one more time with a pretty please.
Now she's brushed her teeth and climbed into bed.
I kissed her cheek and brushed her head.
Close your eyes little one for soon he will come...
Eat all the cookies, and drink the milk and not spare a crumb.
Good night my sweet angel and with the dawn
you will be surprised at a full tree and Santa will be gone.

‘Twas the day after Christmas- 2009

‘Twas the day after Christmas

And all throughout my home,

Batteries were scattered around Wrapping Paper Mountain

Toys big and small, and accessories like Barbie’s little comb.

The children have been up

Since before dawn

Playing with their new gizmos and gadgets

They sit on the floor and yawn.

Outside it is now December 26th

But the Christmas lights and garland will stay hung until the New Year.

Beautiful out there- snow, nativities and Santa blow ups

Spreading the holiday cheer.

In here- it is all a racket…

With sirens, beeping and screaming

The little ones are all in their glory this morning

When they should still be in bed dreaming.

The tree is tussled

From where the kids went a little wild.

Scurrying yesterday for each of their presents

Reading the tags- making sure it’s for the right child.

The morning after Christmas

And there is nowhere to walk around.

Empty boxes clutter the living room

And assembly manuals make a gigantic mound.

Assembly required-

Makes me cringe…

I don’t know what the elves are doing…

But for this dollhouse I am missing a hinge.

They must have a union

Because now I am doing all the labor.

Perhaps if I pay,

I can send this workload to the neighbor.

“The shirt doesn’t fit.”

“Mommy, the color isn’t right.”

“Darling, did you keep the receipts?”

“Moooom! I wanted it in white!”

I made three thousand shopping trips

Toys R US, Christmas Tree Shop and the mall.

But before this year…

I didn’t learn at all.

The morning after Christmas

And soon I will have some peace.

If they all don’t stop complaining,

Next year, their gifts will decrease.

I will not splurge

For those things on their lists.

I will fill their stockings with coal

-NO ASSEMBLY REQUIRED TOYS- What bliss.

Back to bed I went,

Leaving them all in surprise.

Today I’m not putting together anything.

Or worrying about if it’s the wrong size.

I’m leaving up decorations until next year

And my disaster of a tree.

Right now I am going to go relax

Drink some hot cocoa and have some time for… “ME.”