Do Not-2009
To: Lan Ho, Parveen Ali, Li Guo, Dolores Yigal, Hong Xiu Mao, Marc Henry Bernard, Maria Sonia Bernard, Maria Zobniw, Ling Jiang,
Hai Hong Zhong, Roberta King, Layla Khalil and Almir O. Alves: The 13 victims of the April 3, 2009 American Civic Association shooting.
Do not be discouraged.
For I now am in the arms of God.
I am in no pain-
Along the golden trail I trod.
Do not weep for me.
For I now am in a better place.
I will wait for you here,
But come at God’s pace.
He will reunite us
When the timing is right.
Then we will be together,
Looking at this Heavenly sight.
Do not hold a grudge.
Because now- I am okay.
Just stop to remember me every year
That marks this fateful day.
Sing praises to the life I lived
And be happy in all you do.
For I am happy,
And will always love you.
Baby, Oh Baby-This I Vow- 2009
Have you ever wanted one more chance to let someone know?
Have you ever wanted one more to time to say good bye before they go?
Have you ever cried at night wanting to say I love you so?
Baby, oh baby, why did you go?
I have no words to describe the feelings you left with me here
Crying cannot change it- the times I held you dear.
Tell me you are coming back to this place so we can be near.
Tell me there is no goodbye- you leaving is my fear.
Have I left you with no choice to leave me here today?
Have you forgotten all the forever’s we always used to say?
Have you decided there is nothing your heart can pay?
Baby, oh baby why did you leave me this way?
I have wanted no more that to have you here right now.
There is no way for me to say the feeling is like Wow.
You have broken my heart so bad how I cannot believe I’d allow.
Remember that I love you- this I vow.
Have you ever wanted to come back home on the midnight train?
Or have you found a new one in Paris or Spain?
Is there still room in your heart for me or has all the love gone down the drain?
Baby, oh baby please take away this pain.
Michael Jackson Ode-2009
It’s the ‘Thriller’
The chiller the
Shocker too.
Knowing we have lost
The greatest “King of Pop”,
Pop has ever knew.
‘I Can’t Help It’
You were so special
You know.
The day you died,
Everyone cried,
And now we are all alone.
Tell me that won’t
Ever, ever go away.
We have all the memories,
Some funny, some sad,
Some I don’t even want to say.
Taken without goodbye.
Hear of you now,
Just trying not to cry.
We’ll all ‘Come Together’
And remember you before you died.
Blank-2009
I don’t know why she came.
Her paper was blank.
I could see there were words in her head,
But her paper was still blank.
White, blue lined paper-
Blank.
Not one pen mark-
No words-
Not even a doodle.
She was processing some thought,
But her paper was blank.
Her eyes squinted,
And she tapped her chin with pen.
Nothing.
There seemed to be nothing feasible
Going on in there.
I looked down,
My beautiful pad of paper,
My newly bought pen,
And my words just ready to flow of my tongue
The moment I was ready to write them.
But as much as I had to say-
I spent so much time looking at her blank paper-
Mine too-
Was still…
Blank.
Robe-2009
To: Grandma Snedeker
Her eyes were drowsy.
Her knees were weak.
She trembled in her bed shoes
As she stood at the old metal stove.
Her hands shaking,
She poured a glass of hot water.
Her tea bag awaited its connection.
Pink.
Her robe was pink.
Not an absurd pink either.
A pale pink- except for her sleeve which now glowed
Orange and red.
After her tea,
Her robe was black.
Disintegrating on her body
And falling to the cold tiled floor.
Her hair was singed
Her nails melted away.
There was no pain.
She said she was “fine.”
“Fine” meant nothing to be.
She had become a human fireplace.
Made of skin, breath and
A pale pink robe.
Fence posts-2009
Blue picket fence,
Upon the grass so green.
The blades tickling my ankles,
And the wood holding my hand.
Yellow as the sun,
Ripening my hair blonde.
7,000 fence posts-
I counted down North Rd.
The nightfall- now
Throwing moonbeams upon my skin
Brought delightful dew in the air.
As I was blinking at the stars,
And the stars blinked back,
Crickets sang me lullabies
And the owl’s watched my every step.
Like a breadcrumb trail,
7,000 fence posts followed me home.
Breakfast-2009
He makes his eggs,
Then throws them away.
He sighs and tries
To remember her- back in the day.
His wife made his breakfast
Until the day she died.
There is pain in his eyes,
But he still hasn’t cried.
The days wither away,
He still doesn’t know what month it is.
He remembers her name was Jane,
But he cannot remember his.
He sits by her grave,
With not a lot to say.
He tells her he misses her,
And loves her still to this very day.
Before he goes,
He saves this line for last…
“Jane I wish you were here,
Because since you have been gone, I haven’t had any breakfast.”
To Make Me Whole-2009
To make me whole,
I need your half.
Even through all these tears,
I still need to laugh.
To love me completely,
I know is a difficult task…
But to love me unconditionally,
That is all I ask.
To make me whole,
I need you by my side.
Even through my strong independence,
I need someone in which to confide.
You say you are apprehensive
And aren’t sure what to do…
Somehow you still look at me,
And say, “I love you.”
A Life I Couldn’t Give- 2009
I went through the motions of my everyday life.
Until that test put it all in overdrive.
Wondering what to do-
Or even if I could survive.
This wasn’t the plan,
I was still young.
I was pregnant-
I couldn’t bite my tongue.
It wasn’t a joke,
Not even funny if it were.
I was scared and foolish-
What would I do with him or her?
They spoke at me-
Everyone’s opinion was here.
Laying out my option as
9 months would come near.
There were many choices.
I weighed them all out.
Talked to my parents
And got someone to help me out.
The decision was ultimately mine.
And I was old enough to make it.
The thought that I was pregnant-
I couldn’t shake it.
The days wore on
I began to show.
People whispered behind my back
As my baby continued to grow.
I had no job,
Still was in school.
Thought I was having fun
And fitting in was cool.
I thought I was invincible,
Here I stand now.
Knowing what got me here,
But still wondering how.
Abortion, Adoption, Parenting.
Abortion, Adoption, Parenting.
My three choices that went
with this life of mine that was changing.
I couldn’t choose,
My head was spinning.
I thought my life was over
While this little ones was barely beginning.
Abortion didn’t fit my life and
Parenting was hard enough when not nineteen.
This wasn’t an easy decision, not glamorous either-
This wasn’t just a movie scene.
This was my life,
And now my body had a life inside.
There were times I wanted out of it all
And times I just cried.
But then God showed me the answer
In this couple I already knew.
And without hesitation asked them,
“Can my unborn baby find parents in the two of you?”
Adoption just seemed right.
A life for my baby
One I couldn’t give.
One that could or couldn’t include me.
The choice was difficult
But pregnancy isn’t always easy.
But I knew this choice wasn’t about me-
It was about this precious baby.
Now he’s almost 5.
And growing into a little man.
I know he will sometime wonder-
How his life all began.
Maybe with this-
He can rest easy knowing-
That no matter what I loved him from that moment…
In my belly he started growing.
New York to California- Might make a difference-2009
You left me in June.
We were in New York at 11 am.
I hated seeing you walk away- but there was nothing I could do.
You said there was nothing left.
Nothing between me and you.
I wanted to go back-
Just two hours.
We were happy, we were in love.
That is why I made the decision to go-
30,000 feet above.
With my feet off the ground and my heart set,
I was on the first plane to California.
L.A., San Fran- as long as I was in a different time zone.
Where instead of being 11 am, it would be 8.
And maybe I wouldn’t be alone.
So I traveled back in time,
Just to look in your eyes,
And maybe hold your hand.
I traveled back- So we could be together,
Just like we always planned.
Can’t Say the Same for You-2009
I don’t really understand this,
I really just don’t know.
I don’t really understand this,
How you just could go.
But please don’t over talk it,
Don’t try to explain yourself now.
I don’t want to really know why,
I don’t want to really know how.
Don’t say it’s been great,
And you wish it still were.
Don’t pretend I’ll not be here,
I’ll always be here for her.
If you shut that door,
We really are through.
I never wanted this to end-
Obviously, I can’t say the same for you.
Harper’s Island-2009
You are coming at me,
Sword and shield drawn.
You’ve been hunting me for awhile,
I just really know how long.
I have been scared
I have been terrified.
I have been shaky,
And I have cried.
I don’t here you in the night,
But I know you lurk out there.
I have seen your footprints,
I can feel you stare.
I hate you now, more than before.
I cannot go outside,
I cannot open my door.
You’ve locked me in,
And here I wait.
For that day die,
In this gory storybook fate.
Casualities-2009
I have causalities on my floor.
Their lives I could not spare.
They came a marching,
They smelled the sugar in the air.
From behind the stove
And through the molding on the floor.
They came over the table
And under the door.
Their feet a moving,
Their ready to eat.
They come running,
Gathering to eat and meet.
Carrying back crumbs
To have a feast.
They didn’t hear me coming,
They didn’t know they would end up deceased.
But my daughter yelled,
“MOMMY ANTS!”
And upon those little crawling black spots,
I did the ants dance.
I killed them all
And now I have causalities on my floor.
They won’t be the last.
Every year... there is more.
I Wonder…-2009
I wonder…
Whose eyes would you have?
Whose nose would define your face?
Would you glorify God?
Would have my impeccable grace?
Would you dream of great things?
Would you become all that you dream?
Would you cry nice and hard when you are sad?
And when you are happy, would you scream?
Would you grow up to be a handsome man?
Would you have children of your own with your wife?
Would you be a great dad?
And then would you look back and say, you love your life?
I wonder…
But then again,
I don’t have too.
There are many who still wonder about their kids,
But with God’s direction, I didn’t abort you.
I wish upon you, all these things,
And I hope that someday they come true.
Because ever since you were born,
No one has deserved them any more than you.
Never a Wedding-2009
I never got a wedding.
I never met the perfect guy.
I never had people there,
To just see him and I.
No one got to hear
I and my groom say “I do.”
No one saw me in a gorgeous dress,
I never heard “that looks good on you.”
There was never a minister,
And not a crumb of tasty cake.
No beautiful church,
An overgrown field or a ceremony by a lake.
No reception with dancing,
No “just married” sign.
I’ve been to all the wedding’s this year,
And I don’t think… I’ll ever have mine.
Wildlife Talk- 2009
Do you hear the bear?
Do you hear the snake?
Do you know?
What sound do they make?
Growl, growl- said Mama Bear.
Time for the cubs to go to bed.
Growl, growl- said the little ones,
Let’s do what Mama said.
Sss, sss- said the Papa Snake.
I will keep you warm.
Sss, sss- said the baby snakes.
We will be safe from the storm.
Do you know hear the birds?
Do you hear the frogs?
They are hiding in the trees,
And sitting on the logs.
Tweet, tweet- said the babies.
Where is the worm?
Tweet, tweet- said the Mommy
It’s here don’t you squirm.
Ribbit, ribbit- said the froggies
We want to go for a swim.
One by one they get ready
And soon they will jump right in.
They all have their voices,
They all have something to do.
So rest your head here my baby,
It’s nighty night time for me and you.
All Have Been Read- 2009
To: Grandma Snedeker
10 years have passed.
It has all been said.
My feelings have been written
And all have been read.
Lord knows,
There is nothing I’d rather do.
Then have one more moment
To sit and talk with you.
This is part of life.
And that is what makes it hard.
Everyone shows their sympathy.
In an awkward silence, a hug or a card.
Nothing seems to be enough.
The pain is still around.
Sometimes when I am walking,
The pain can knock me to the ground.
I miss you isn’t enough
And I love you cannot justify how I feel.
But to tell you it all now
Just makes it all seem more real.
10 years have passed.
It has all been said.
My feelings have been written
And all have been read.
Our Little Girl- 2009
In the 4 years we have been together,
You never bought me jewelry.
You only say I love you
Before you leave or if it is first said by me.
We sleep in the same bed,
But I don’t think we are even friends.
I am in this reoccurring nightmare
That feels like it never ends.
If it’s not one thing- it’s another-
Like an old car.
The one argument barely finishes,
And another is not too far.
We’ve traveled this road,
And to this day it doesn’t feel right.
I’ve tried to patch the holes,
But the future never looks bright.
Technically, there is only one reason,
I still remain in this disastrous wind whirl.
It is not for us at all.
It is for our little girl.
Lies Marinate This Chicken- 2009
This has been working.
I feel like a marinated chicken,
And these last four years have been a waste.
I feel like you have been just telling me lies.
Feeding my inner core.
And now there is a choice with which I am faced.
There is no easy decision.
Someone will end up sad.
This is the hardest time.
It will hurt you.
And me.
But the most hurt will not be yours or mine.
She is young.
How do you tell little girl?
There is telling what this may do.
I cannot face that,
But I cannot deal with this…
She will be so hurt and not even know- because she is only 2.
“I will change.” No. You won’t.
That is a lie.
You and I both know.
“What can I do?”
Nothing.
That is why the decision is for us to go.
Her and me…
We will have to make it somehow.
Without you.
I can’t say this is great.
But this is it…
It’s what best- for her, for me and for you.
I Can’t Sleep-2009
I can’t sleep.
Lying next to you makes me sick.
Just knowing you are there
Makes me tick.
There is nothing here to salvage.
I wish this were so easy to throw away.
I cannot stand to be here
In your presence day to day.
I get more comfort,
Cuddling with the cat.
I can’t believe that doesn’t bother you.
Don’t you see something wrong with that?
Please just say it is over
And let me go.
That will be easiest.
For us all. You know?
I can’t sleep.
My mind is racing...
With all this stuff you have given me to think about
And this situation I am facing.
When I Want You-2009
When I want you to see your face-
I have to do nothing
But close my eyes.
The longer they are closed
The more and more
Your image intensifies.
It is like you are here
Wrapping your arms
Around me tight.
Holding me now
Kissing me forever
Not just for that one night.
When I want to hear your voice-
I have to do nothing
And your words are clear.
“Please don’t wake me
If I’m dreaming… wanna stay with you all night.”
It is like you’re always near.
Whispering I love you
In my ear
And playing with my hair.
Like you’re lying beside me
Not just in my thoughts-
It’s like you’re really there.
When I want you here
All I need is my mind
And you can appear.
But hopefully one day
I can wake up
And really have you here.
As Faithful as the Sunrise-2009
Good morning dove-
It’s been a week.
You have met me at dawn
Every morning on my sill.
Just sitting there watching me
As though you were watching TV.
We have grown to be friends.
I awake every morn-
Just to see you.
I’ve named you—
Charlie.
I like it.
::Yawn::
Good— wait…
::Sigh::
Bad mourning dove-
Rest in peace Charlie.
I’ll miss you.
Daisies on August 3rd-2009
He used to kneel there,
In the garden to pick flowers.
I’d be in the window
Watching him for hours.
He’d pick those daisies
Every spring.
I remember when he proposed.
Brought me daisies and a ring.
I couldn’t help it,
I couldn’t say no.
This was the boy I loved,
And he had to know.
He never is in that garden
Anymore that I can see.
He has moved on
And is away from me.
I can’t tell you where he has gone
Or where he will be.
He only returns once in while
To set upon one knee.
And when he does,
He brings daisies from another place.
He can’t bring them from my overgrown garden.
It’s been neglected— that’s the case.
But I know he still comes
Every August on day three.
He comes to visit my site,
Just to being daisies for our anniversary.
He lays them gently
And mumbles “I love you.”
I just wish he could hear me say,
“I love you too.”
One Last Fight-2009
It is getting all too close
My skin is going to rip.
I can’t hold on anymore
I am losing my grip.
The stress is filling my veins
The relationship is going to fail.
I feel I am running in circles-
Like a cat chasing its tail.
Round and round we go.
The end is in sight.
Want to try and break me?
Just give it one last fight.
“Good” Nothing-2009
I can’t say it’s a good night
When we are still lying in the same bed.
I try to sleep—
But everything falls apart in my head.
I can’t say it’s a good morning
When I am still waking up to you.
I try to pretend you aren’t—
But nothing works- no matter what I do.
Between us…
Nothing is “good.”
Nothing is like it used to be—
Nothing is like it should.
I can’t say it’s a “good” anything
Until this all ends.
Maybe it will all clear up
If we are nothing more than friends.
Probably shouldn’t be this Way:
What LeAnn Rimes Sparked in Me- 2009
“Mama says that I just shouldn’t speak to you
[Trisha] says that I should just move on…”
What they don’t know is I have tried
And I have tried for so long.
There was a time,
I thought I was stuck.
In a spot to never get out,
I thought I was out of luck.
The light at the end of the tunnel
Seemed too dim for my eye.
But maybe it was just faded from the tears that I cry.
Don’t pretend you don’t know,
Don’t pretend this is all new news.
This isn’t just developing…
And I am the one with so much to lose.
Don’t hold me back
And say we will be fine.
This is it now,
It’s where I draw the line.
It probably shouldn’t be this way,
But there is no other way for us to be.
We have fought it out and tried again,
And now it is all the same to me.
You can stop talking,
There is no more left to say.
Please just say goodbye,
Because it will be easier that way.
Catastrophic- 2009
Holding on to a string that seems is being pulled out of my hands.
All my stars could fall out of the sky tonight,
And that could show where it all stands.
Between you and me there is dead air and fights.
There will be nothing left
When we turn out the lights.
You let go of my hand many months ago,
The effect
Can and will be catastrophic you know?
There is no telling what time will do,
But there is no more time
For me and you.
This all has me broken, and my heart cannot take anymore.
This is all the crying I can take
And there is nothing calling me more than the front door.
Call me crazy, but I know you can see
Everything that is happening
Between you and me.
Stop telling me to stay and stop asking why.
These are things I cannot address
Through this heartbroken cry.
Don’t touch my face and wipe away a tear.
Don’t hold me back
My leaving is sincere.
Together Again- 2009
It’s been years since we have been together
Together… in any sort of way.
But we find ourselves on your couch
Things are different today.
There is no mention too much
Of our past.
The years have flew by
And the memories went too fast.
There is nowhere I want to be
Except right here right now with you.
There is nothing I want more
Than to have this time with you too.
Things have been so crazy, and it seems
You are here to pick me up now.
We are becoming together again
And the way it has all happened, I am just not sure how.
I am starring at you
Remembering “us” way back when.
14, 15, 16…
The things that could have been.
I don’t want to wonder anymore
Because I always knew we were supposed to be together.
I don’t want this to sound all cliché,
But I have always known we should be you and me… forever.
I Get A Little Shy
I get a little shy
When I look into your eyes
And there’s nothing I can do.
I want to tell you things
Want to start begging please
But there is so much more for you.
I am trying not to hold back
I have nothing to lack
There’s just something you should know.
It’s on the tip of my tongue
And I don’t want you to run…
Please say you will not go.
When I tell you I love you
When I tell you I need you
There is much more to it now.
When I tell you I want you
When I tell you to kiss me
There is so much more to it now.
There is something there for me
I really wish you could see
That tomorrow can be our day.
It should have happened long ago
But time took a toll
And now we can have it our way.
I wish I could open up more
I wish I could unleash the bottom drawer
There is just too much on my mind.
I want you to know me
I want you to see me
There is so much here to find.
Tell me we can try
It’s just up to you and I…
We can be us this time.
Hold onto my hand
Beside me please stand
Tell me you can be mine.
Forever We Will Be In Love- 2009
Holding your hand,
The sun now sets,
Forever we will be in love… … …
When I Call- 2009
Of course you would pick up the phone
When I call you tonight.
I wanted to talk to your voicemail
Because I didn’t want to start a fight.
I know you are downstairs
But I cannot stand to look at you right now.
Everything is pointing to goodbye
And you can’t understand how.
Stop saying you are sorry
There is nothing that will make me stay.
Please just let me go
You know it has to be this way.
I have to move on
And leave you behind in the past.
We thought we were in love
But that love disintegrated fast.
There is nothing left but dust
And that can’t save us at all.
Of course you would pick up the phone tonight
…when I call.
Another Lonely Night- 2009
Another lonely night
And you aren’t that far away.
I am laying here in bed
Wishing today was the day.
We keep planning these nights
So we can hold each other close.
But when we are away
I am missing you the most.
I hold onto your every last word
Repeating it all in my head.
Hoping it will send me into a dream
About these words you’ve said.
We talk every day
We talk every night-
I am just waiting for the time
You are with me when I turn out the light.
When I can say I love you
And know when morning is near
I can wake up to the sunshine
And you are lying right here.
You Belong with Me- 2009
I wait in the darkness
Hoping to hear your voice.
I keep calling your name
I have no choice.
You are my rock
The one I hold near.
Losing you at all
Is by far my greatest fear.
Please do not be scared
Please do not hold back.
Beginning 10 years ago,
We became “Ashley and Zach.”
You and I both know
We belong together.
You are all I really want
Now and forever.
But it will take both of us
To really see-
I belong with you
And you belong with me.
I Love You I Love You-2009
I am trying to keep my mouth shut
Trying not to let it out.
I want you to say it first
But I just want to shout…
I love you
I love you
Do you know?
I love you
I love you…
I don’t want this feeling to go.
I bet you can see it
Here in my eyes when I stare
It’s written all over my face
I just want you to know how much I care.
I want to tell everyone
But you need to know first.
If I hold this in any longer
My heart might just burst…
I am feeling this feeling
You will see when I bleed
The love I have
Because my blood will read…
I love you
I love you
Do you know?
I love you
I love you…
I don’t want this feeling to go.
Simply Said-2009
Maybe there is nothing left to say
My tears should say it all.
I cannot stay here day to day
Building up hope just so that it can fall.
Please Don’t Grow Up This Week-2009
It’s hard to remember that you don’t
Need your night light on tonight.
Or that I need to wake up at 1 a.m.-
But there is a good chance I just might.
I already miss you so much
And now it is time for me to go to sleep.
But silently on pillow
I lay with my eyes wide open and weep.
It hasn’t been yet
12 hours since you have gone away.
But I cannot begin to tell you,
I will miss each one of those 10 days.
There was no kiss goodnight tonight,
No tucking you in bed.
No “Mommy mere” being yelled 500 times
To give me an ache in my head.
I never heard “can I have a drink?”
Or “Where is my bunny?”
And I missing that adorable smile
And you repeating to me, “That’s funny!”
I’ll forget to turn off the alarm tonight
Because I will forget that you aren’t here.
You coming back all grown up
And not needing a nightlight is what I fear.
So please stay a little girl
At least until the end of next week.
The Choo Choo Sound-2009
I hear a train
I bet she hears it too.
I know how excited she gets
When she hears that choo choo.
Her eyes light up
As she looks around-
All of a sudden I hear her yell:
“Mommy, Mommy- choo choo sound.”
She runs to the window
On her toes she stands.
Trying to climb on the sill,
Pulling up with her little hands.
I grab her waist
And hoist her up enough to see.
She starts kicking at squealing
This little girl at age 3.
So much joy
So much wonder and discovery.
I am so glad I get to experience it all with her-
I love being her Mommy.
Something else will catch her attention
As the train fades away.
Something new and exciting,
But that train makes her smile every day.
When We Were 25- 2009
Feels like it was only yesterday
When I first looked into your blue eyes.
Now it’s been 10 years
The truth is… time really flies.
We were so young
Way back then.
It was a lifetime ago
But I remember when…
We first said hi
We first held hands.
We spent our time
Making long term plans.
We made a pact
For when we were 25
We would start our life.
Nothing ever goes
According to the plans.
I could see us forever
Holding hands.
I always wanted one thing
The one thing is to call you mine.
Now I look at the photographs
Remembering back to that time…
Alone under the stars
We once kissed.
Now alone I am here
You are being missed.
We would start our life.
When we were 25.
Come December- 2009
I can’t tell you how long
I have wanted to say,
I’d give everything I own
If you’d just go away.
You pick me up and lead me or
Just so you can push me down.
But I’ll tell you I’ve had enough,
And you can no longer knock me around.
How come all I’m saying
Isn’t getting through to your brain?
I want you outta my life
You’re driving me insane.
I’ve said it once,
Twice, three times or more.
Yet for some reason- come December.
You still think I’m not walking out that door.
Hey Zachary!-2009
To: Zachary Winfield
Hey Zachary!
I know you’ve been watching me.
It’s been a while wouldn’t you say?
There are moments you cross my mind
And I begin to think back to that time.
When I fell in love with you the very first day.
A little shy with a pounding heart
Never wanting to be apart.
Bring it on—
Hey Zachary!
You’ve always been the boy for me
I’ve always wanted it to be just me and you.
Not much has changed here,
I am still keeping the image of us near…
Stop me if you feel it too.
Here I am, in front of you I stand.
Giving you my heart and wanting to hold your hand.
What do you say?
I don’t want time to pass us by one more time.
I’d rather be able to again, call you mine.
Let this be our day.
A little shy with a pounding heart
Never wanting to be apart.
Bring it on—
Hey Zachary!
I know you’ve been watching me.
It’s been a while wouldn’t you say?
Hey Zachary… what do you say?
143-2009
143…
When I look at you,
That is all I see.
You may not know what it means,
But it means something to me.
I can’t really say it now
Even though I have felt it for you before.
It was a long time ago
1999: the beginning- I am pretty sure.
And now when I look at you,
Without saying something you understand
I can say “143”
And just hold your hand.
If I only say it
Loud enough for me to hear.
I am hoping someday to you
It will be crystal clear.
143…
When I look at you,
That is all I see.
You may not know what it means,
But it means something to me.
Dialing Your Number- 2009
It’s been taking all I have
Just to not pick up the phone…
But for some reason when I don’t-
I feel all alone.
Through the phone
I feel like you aren’t far away.
Tonight though—
That will change… and my heart will turn gray.
Dialing your number
Just to see your name.
I keep dialing your number
Just to keep me sane.
Waiting for your voicemail
Just to hear you speak.
Hoping the sound of your voice
Will satisfy me like a kiss on the cheek.
I put it down
Just to pick it up again.
I want to say a few different things
I just don’t know when.
The timing is all off
But the things to say are still here.
They have carried me though
The last ten years.
Nothing is stopping me from letting it out
But there is no way for me to tell you what it’s all about.
Tell me I’m not crazy
And you dial my number too.
Tell me the feelings I am feeling-
Are stirring up in you.
I’m dialing again-
Not going to hang up this time.
But if you don’t pick up
That will be just fine.
ZA- 2009
To: Zachary Winfield
10 years ago-
I met my high school sweetheart.
We were inseparable
Even when we were apart.
We were so young
At the ripe age of 14.
We were together and breaking up-
Just all a part of the teenage scene.
I lost him once
When he broke my heart really bad.
I remember mom buying me balloons
Because I was so sad.
I lost him again but for good
When I broke his heart even worse.
I’ve regretted it ever since
And wish I could rewind and reverse.
And after 7 years
He is back.
Now I will do it right-
And never lose you again Zach.
Merry Christmas Mom-2009
I couldn’t find you a Christmas present
Decent enough to suit your taste.
So now with this dilemma
I am faced…
I went store to store
There was nothing I could find.
I started to go a little crazy-
Kind of lost my mind.
There was a money amount limit
Of which I could spend.
Not even by one penny
Could that amount bend.
You gave me some ideas
But by Christmas Eve you see-
Everyone bought up those ideas
And there wasn’t one left for me.
So here is the money
That I would have spent.
All thirty dollars of it
Down to the very last cent.
Buy what you wish-
When Christmas is done.
That way you know they’ll have it in stock
Instead of having none.
Merry Christmas
And Happy New Year…
Hope they both are filled
With love and cheer.
The Night of Christmas Eve and Time for Bed
It’s the night of Christmas Eve, and everyone is here.
They came for a party from far and from near.
We made a cake and cookies too.
Made enough for me, Santa and you.
Had some milkshakes to wash it all down.
Waiting an anticipating what’s about to be coming around.
Ho, ho, ho- I bet you know what I mean.
It’s that time of year for the Christmas routine—
The cookies are placed gently on the Christmas plate.
The milk is on ice in the snowman mug and it’s getting late...
She wrote Santa a note and set it near the cookies
that asked for that gift one more time with a pretty please.
Now she's brushed her teeth and climbed into bed.
I kissed her cheek and brushed her head.
Close your eyes little one for soon he will come...
Eat all the cookies, and drink the milk and not spare a crumb.
Good night my sweet angel and with the dawn
you will be surprised at a full tree and Santa will be gone.
‘Twas the day after Christmas- 2009
‘Twas the day after Christmas
And all throughout my home,
Batteries were scattered around Wrapping Paper Mountain
Toys big and small, and accessories like Barbie’s little comb.
The children have been up
Since before dawn
Playing with their new gizmos and gadgets
They sit on the floor and yawn.
Outside it is now December 26th
But the Christmas lights and garland will stay hung until the New Year.
Beautiful out there- snow, nativities and Santa blow ups
Spreading the holiday cheer.
In here- it is all a racket…
With sirens, beeping and screaming
The little ones are all in their glory this morning
When they should still be in bed dreaming.
The tree is tussled
From where the kids went a little wild.
Scurrying yesterday for each of their presents
Reading the tags- making sure it’s for the right child.
The morning after Christmas
And there is nowhere to walk around.
Empty boxes clutter the living room
And assembly manuals make a gigantic mound.
Assembly required-
Makes me cringe…
I don’t know what the elves are doing…
But for this dollhouse I am missing a hinge.
They must have a union
Because now I am doing all the labor.
Perhaps if I pay,
I can send this workload to the neighbor.
“The shirt doesn’t fit.”
“Mommy, the color isn’t right.”
“Darling, did you keep the receipts?”
“Moooom! I wanted it in white!”
I made three thousand shopping trips
Toys R US, Christmas Tree Shop and the mall.
But before this year…
I didn’t learn at all.
The morning after Christmas
And soon I will have some peace.
If they all don’t stop complaining,
Next year, their gifts will decrease.
I will not splurge
For those things on their lists.
I will fill their stockings with coal
-NO ASSEMBLY REQUIRED TOYS- What bliss.
Back to bed I went,
Leaving them all in surprise.
Today I’m not putting together anything.
Or worrying about if it’s the wrong size.
I’m leaving up decorations until next year
And my disaster of a tree.
Right now I am going to go relax
Drink some hot cocoa and have some time for… “ME.”
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