October 16, 2009
For as long as I can remember, Christianity has been pounded in my head (although not in a bad way), just in a “we love you and this is our faith, this is how we will raise you” kind of way, and up until I became a teenager, that was fine. Then those years hit where I rebelled against someone offering me a hug. Rebel I did, and when I was 18 years old, that rebellion took on a new meaning. My grandmother, whom my mom and I were living with to take care of, died tragically while I was in my junior year in high school. Over the past couple years of living with her, we grew closer and closer than we already were.
I was in a new relationship with a boy my mom was not particularly fond of and I rebelled to the fullest by playing songs like “She’s In Love with the Boy” by Trisha Yearwood. I decided that I knew what I was going to with my life and that was- run it my way. And “run it” I did… pretty much into the ground. I stopped going to church, moved in with him, made things look worse with my mom than they really were, and barely made it through the tail end of my junior year. And within a six month period after disowning my religion for a rebellious life, I was beaten by my boyfriend, and almost committed suicide, all because I thought I was right. What I didn’t know was that my relationship with Jesus Christ is one thing I do value most.
When I was 19 years old, I found out I was three months pregnant with my first child. I was still in high school and just recently moved back in with my mom. I had been living with my boyfriend and his parents for almost six months when I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. It was an abusive relationship that I think I would have died in if I didn’t get out. When I got back home to my mom, it was Thanksgiving. When I found out in early December of 2003 that I was pregnant, I immediately called my ex-boyfriend and told him. His exact words were, “Good thing you still don’t live here with me, because I would have thrown you down the stairs to make sure you didn’t have that baby.” He continually asked me to have an abortion, but I never wanted that. I didn’t believe in it and definitely didn’t think it was right for me. I was scared like anyone else who is young and unwed and now unexpectedly pregnant. I had really only one choice to make, and whatever that decision would be- it would impact the life my unborn child forever.
By the time I showed up at the Life Choices Center, I had already decided on adoption and found a couple ready and eager to become the adoptive parents of my child. A lot of things were testing me when I was pregnant. I had Satan telling me to have an abortion and God telling me that giving this child life was the best gift I could give him or her. I had classes every week with Della. At the time, the Life Choices Center wasn’t too familiar with dealing with a young woman that was giving her child up for adoption. There were no classes for it, no videos to watch, nothing that would really help me after the fact of the adoption. But Della really filled in the blanks. She made me comfortable with the fact that I was making the right choice and that this may not be an easy road, but it was a better alternative than abortion. For the first time, I was able to know what was happening inside of me. I was able to know that she was there when I needed to talk and she understood without being judgmental.
I was an emotional mess. I was scared to go to school with a growing belly, knowing that I would be graduating with the concern that I could go into labor that same day. It was hard walking the halls of my school that senior year, my belly surpassing my feet, and me being the only one with a backpack with wheels, because I couldn’t lift too much. But somehow- the same school that I feared being rejected and I had been before I was pregnant now accepted me with open arms. I don’t think it is because they thought it was cool for me to be pregnant, but they knew my situation, knew I was scared and that I must be on the brink of going crazy with all the decision I had to make, and they were sincere in helping me. I had friends and they wanted to know all about the pregnancy. They helped me with my books and walked me to my car, and I felt accepted more than I felt like I was an outsider. They didn’t make me feel like I did something wrong and that would haunt me for the rest of my life. But I think that the reason I felt that was because it started at the Life Choices Center. Before I was accepted elsewhere, I was accepted there by Della and all her coworkers.
I was getting points for doing different things that I already did in my everyday life, like” Get good grades, go to work, go to church… etc. I was able to use those points to get things I needed for me and the baby. It was great to be able to check in with her and let her know the details of how the adoption was going and deciding things for when the day came. Della really helped me know that my walk with the Lord would help me the most. And to this day she is right.
The Life Choices Center changed the way I felt about this pregnancy. In the beginning I just wanted it to be over. I wanted the nine months to go so fast that I couldn’t remember it. But with help from Della, I was able to cherish the fact that I did something great by not only giving my biological son Ethan life, but I gave a couple something they tried so long to have. And thanks to the center, I can now explain in a good way, why I did what I did when Ethan’s questions arise.
God helped me through this hard task and just this year I was faced with another. My mom always tells me to pray for everything, and Philippians 4:6 says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Of course, I always feel like something’s are too small to bring to him. My mom on the other hand finds nothing too small of a deal to take to God. Every time I tell her that I have lost something, whether it is a pen, the remote…ANYTHING… she tells me automatically to pray for it. One time, I forgot where I hid my daughter’s bag of crayons in the house after I took them from her for a punishment. With my mom on the phone, she tried to help me think of all the places they could be. In a short silence I heard her whisper and mumble something, when suddenly I found them in the one place I never thought I even put them… her closet. When I told my mom I found them she said, I just prayed God would show you where they were!
In April of 2008, I was diagnosed with the human papillomavirus, widely known by its initials, HPV. I am sure we have all heard the well-known commercial for GARDASIL. “GARDASIL is the only cervical cancer vaccine that helps protect against 4 types of human papillomavirus (HPV): 2 types that cause 70% of cervical cancer cases, and 2 more types that cause 90% of genital warts cases. GARDASIL is for girls and young women ages 9 to 26.” A Pap test is used to detect abnormal cells which may develop into cancer.
I was not happy. I was scared that mine would turn into cancer. I always have the worst of luck. My doctor told me that he would do another pap in three months to see if they were still there. In August of 2008, I had my repeat pap and the cells were still abnormal. So he said we would wait one more time until February and then if they were still there, we would do something about it.
I was confused as to why we were doing all the waiting, but after awhile it slipped my mind that I even had it. I was feeling fine and going about my normal routine every day. For weeks on end I was having someone at my church pray for me for a something else I had going on in my life at the time, and I was so caught up in praying for that, that in almost a year, I never once thought of having them pray for my HPV to go away.
The week I had my pap I remembered I sat in the waiting room thinking I didn’t really want to know the results when they would come in. However, I knew that I would have to find them out. Soon I heard, “Ashley?” I knew it was time to get this over with. I was told I would have the results that next Tuesday so as I was getting ready to find out the results, I went up that Sunday and had my HPV prayed for. I prayed that it was gone and if it weren’t that it wasn’t turning into cancer.
Finally, Tuesday came. I was getting more scared now with what my outcome would be. That fateful call came on time, and the words were so unbelievable, “Ashley, you are fine. You’re abnormal cells are gone.” I wanted to call everyone and tell them the good news. I was relieved.
Although, it wasn’t until the following Sunday when I realized what had happened. I went almost a year without bring this HPV problem to God. I brought all my other troubles and burdens to Him, except this. But the week I brought it to Him, I was freed of those cells. This was the biggest miracle that I had experienced and realized right away that the prayer had worked.
Pastor Brandon Samuel once said, “People tend to think that God is no longer in the miracle business, like He made the world and then went on vacation. He hasn’t. There is no vacation or sleep for God. He is still doing miracles every day.”
Well, if I hadn’t experienced a miracle and realized it, I don’t think I would have believed it. He IS still in the miracle business.
At this point, I am not sure where I would be without Him. In 2003, I would have been dead. Luckily I am not. I think He is the greatest value in my life and then everything I believe and value next falls in line after him.
***I took a quiz on Facebook and it told me that this was the Bible verse that describes my life: I Corinthians 15:58 “Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.”***
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